DIY, Or Is Sex Therapy Required?

By Robyn Salisbury

I’m all for DIY. Kiwi initiative and our ‘can-do’ attitude is a source of our national pride and rightly so. There’s a lot you can do with a piece of no.8 fencing wire, I’m told.

It also has its limits. The administrator of the sex therapy referral network learned that someone referred by his GP a whole year ago was only now ringing to get help. Why have you waited so long, she asked? “I thought I could fix it myself” was the classic response.

How do we know what is appropriately DIY territory and what isn’t? I think that varies a lot between individuals, according to skill level, confidence and pig headedness. Some of us are clear where our expertise begins and ends and have no trouble accepting that. Other’s struggle to accept that some things are beyond us to remedy for ourselves.

Equipment malfunctioning is a clear signal to me that its time to call a technician. If the cars making a funny noise I know to check the dials on the dashboard (is it still called that or am I showing my age?). I’ll even walk around the car and find out if it has a flat tyre or something flapping out a door. I know my limits and am willing to call on someone else’s expertise, despite the account that will inevitably follow.

My laptop refused to connect to the net the other day, despite repeated trying. I knew to check with someone else using the same service provider. No, there’s was still going fine, so it was my problem. With a sinking heart I phoned the helpdesk, knowing I was going to have to endure recorded messages and perhaps an impossibly long wait that I didn’t have time for.

Beyond the time issue was my discomfort in talking to computer experts whom I fear will reveal my inadequacies; all of those things I don’t understand about this complex equipment I use every day. Defensively, I try to blow the sandwich crumbs out of the keyboard as I wait, fearing that my working lunchtimes have somehow created the problem. No doubt it’s my fault.

Eventually I move to the front of the phone queue then stumble to find the words to describe what it is that is happening, or more accurately, not happening. The patient fellow on the other end adjusts his language and probably his expectations. Eventually, he gains an accurate picture of the problem.

Assessment completed we move into treatment mode. “What programme do you use?” he asks. Oh oh, I know that my word processing programme is Microsoft Word but surely that’s not what he’s asking because I don’t send email from that. More stumbling until the dear man says to me “Look in the bottom left hand corner of your screen, what colour is the start button?”

Now that is my kind of expert! Having clarified the language in which we could communicate we were away and the problem was fixed with a few strategic steps guided by this wise man. He sets the gold standard to which all experts ought to aim. It’s a kind of synthesis of the down to earth, practical Kiwi style blended with years of study and experience. Life is too complicated now for us to rely on DIY- calling on this form of expertise is the way to go.

It certainly takes courage to take your relationship to an expert, perhaps never more so than when something is not connecting sexually. Inevitably people will have their fears of being blamed and of feeling inadequate, just as I did and will continue to do with my computer. However, any expert approached should be able to do exactly what the helpdesk fellow did for me.

Expect to be greeted by someone with many years of training and experience in understanding what makes people tick and what makes relationships work. Anyone calling themselves a sex therapist should then have pursued further specialist training to understand in great depth all the mechanics of sexual functioning.

Some sexual problems can be simply a matter of plumbing problems, with artery and vein blockages not allowing sufficient blood flow to the genitals. Others can be nerve damage from illnesses such as diabetes or from surgery. Then medical intervention may be helpful.

However, the human body is complex and sexuality is more than just a matter of mechanical functioning. The brain is our largest sexual organ. An expert in sex therapy will find out exactly what is going on (or not), will know how to determine which programme you’re each running on and has the skills to help you reconnect.

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Robyn Salisbury is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network. Those seeking professional help with any sexual or relationship matter should contact the Referrals Manager, Kerryn Findlater, on 0800 SEXTHERAPY (0800 739 843) www.sextherapy.co.nz

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