The Struggle With the Green-Eyed Monster
By Robyn Salisbury
I was fortunate to hear an address this week by a psychotherapist who spoke very powerfully about envy amongst professionals. It got me thinking about envy and jealousy within romantic and sexual relationships.
We often use the words envy and jealousy interchangeably, perhaps seeing them as the same thing. I am not sure whether they are or not, but the dictionary describes envy as a ‘hostile longing to possess what belongs to another’. Jealousy is defined as ‘feeling hatred, suspicion and fear towards a rival, especially a love rival’.
People certainly talk more commonly about jealousy, and for those of us who work with couples and relationships, jealousy is the word that more people use.
Jealousy is a very tricky thing. It seems to be something we feel really awkward about, and a difficult feeling for people to talk about when seeking counselling or therapy. Something very powerful seems to happen when it is discussed. If one person in a couple suggests that their partner is jealous, there is often a change in the body language of the person facing the accusation. They shrink a bit, retreat back into themselves, even if they deny that this is what they feel, or that their partner is accurate in their suggestion.
This leaves me wondering whether this reaction of the body is an external sign of something important. What seems to be important is the shame associated with the feeling of jealousy or envy. Jealousy appears to be a powerfully uncomfortable feeling, and this seems to be universal, regardless of country or culture. It is referred to in all of the world’s major religions, and is defined in the Christian faith as one of the seven deadly sins.
Jealousy is just one of the feelings that we can be ashamed of. The problem with shameful feelings is that it makes those feelings unspeakable, and difficult to acknowledge. It can be difficult for us to express them directly, to acknowledge them or give them a voice in a healthy way, despite maybe realizing that these feelings are universal human emotions that we all experience! Feelings that we are ashamed of can – and do - get expressed in an indirect or distorted way.
There are several ways that this happens with jealous feelings. They can be masked as concern or protectiveness, or they can be expressed as a sense of entitlement or an attack - the ‘if you really loved me, you wouldn’t need to be friends with….’ response. When feelings get expressed indirectly or in a distorted way, it can be useful to consider what purpose this might serve for us.
One purpose could be that it allows us to express feelings in a way more acceptable to ourselves. We shift the feelings of jealousy and replace them with something that isn’t so uncomfortable or threatening. It can be quite a relief to do this, but it is not a long term solution. Inevitably, the jealous feelings return and we can feel that we are back at square one.
It can be helpful to see this as an opportunity for us to pay attention to our experience, and reflect for a moment. To be able to do this, we will need to face the feelings of shame that jealousy creates. Of course, this isn’t saying that jealousy doesn’t tell us something about our partners’ behaviour, but also that it says something about ourselves too.
Another perspective about jealousy is that it can act like a raincoat. A raincoat protects the person underneath, and covers over their other clothes. Our jealous feelings act in the same way. They cover the feelings underneath that may feel even more shameful, even more unmentionable.
The feelings underlying jealousy may be a sense of being lost or vulnerable, or a fear of being left alone. These feelings are normal – and an inevitable part of us all. This is because, regardless of how loving our primary caregivers have been (our parents and carers) we are likely to have faced times in our lives when we have felt inadequate, alone, and vulnerable. If we have had less-than-ideal experiences in our childhood relationships, then this may be a bigger and more important part of our emotional makeup.
Harville Hendrix, author of the best selling book ‘Getting the love you want” describes how an important – but unrecognised - aspect of adult relationships is the re-creation of the closeness of our original relationship with our mothers. We can only imagine life in the womb, but we know that the baby is continuously kept warm, fed, and soothed by its mothers’ heartbeat.
A newborn baby is very contented when fed, warm, well-rested and cuddled, but can be inconsolable when those needs are not immediately met. It is in this first relationship with our mothers or caring figures, that we learn how to be a separate person, and how to be a person connected to others.
If we think about romantic and sexual relationships in these terms, we can see that when these relationships are at their best, they re-create a sense of perfect closeness, like that initial experience. That makes the stakes very high in relationships! For a baby to be disconnected from its caregiver is a matter of life and death. As adults it may not literally be life and death, but it can feel like it!
So, when we feel the green eyed monster of jealousy rear up inside us, it is important to consider what is happening quite carefully - it may involve taking our raincoats off and looking at the feelings underneath with a new compassion for ourselves.
Robyn Salisbury is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network. Those seeking professional help with any sexual or relationship matter should contact the Referrals Manager, Kerryn Findlater, on 0800 SEXTHERAPY (0800 739 843)
www.sextherapy.co.nz
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