Keep Sexual Desire Alive With Honest Communication

By Robyn Salisbury

Beware the accommodators. They seem like lovely people: kind, generous, willing to give their all to ensure life goes along smoothly for you. What better partner to choose than someone longing to fulfil your every wish. “Peel me a grape daaahling. And then could you…”

Appealing as it may sound this is actually a hugely destructive trap both for the one who aims to please and their beloved. Buried deep inside every sweet, loving, giving accommodator is a seething resentment. As with any deep seated infection, at some stage it has to erupt. Inevitably that’s messy and painful. It can also be very confusing for both parties who thought everything was going along fine in their relationship.

In some it shows up as overt rage but depression and passive aggression are also common. A loss of respect, snide comments, frequent irritability, over-spending may all be signs that an accommodator is getting to the end of their tether. This role is not sustainable in a healthy way for most people. It most certainly does not allow for a lifelong healthy, intimate sexual partnership. Yet it occurs quite commonly - how has this come to be?

The role of accommodator is not gender specific. Traditionally, women were taught to care for others and not themselves. Then with the emergence of feminism many have reacted against that training, sometimes going to the opposite extreme. However some men have also been trained into this behaviour. I often come across either sex filling this role selflessly with dire consequences for intimacy in a relationship.

Why would it not work for a couple to have one who gives endlessly and generously and another who is happy to receive? Could this not be a perfect match?

NOT if you want to keep sexual desire alive.

I believe the key is the word selflessly. The accommodator loses, or may never have had, a sense of self. Criticism of selfishness has given the word ‘self’ a bad reputation yet without a clear, positive sense of self we cannot be healthy and we certainly can’t sustain a long term sexual relationship.

When new partners meet; novelty longing hope and attraction fire sexual energy. Hopefully that energy will be sustained for some months or even years to carry couples through the process of getting to know each other in reality. During the time of being madly in love there’s often little facing of each other’s shortcomings.

For sexual desire to be maintained long term, intimacy has to be deepened. That does not require a couple burying themselves in each other to the exclusion of the rest of the world. In fact it takes an ongoing maturing process that involves developing more and more a sense of an individual, real self.

That requires growing the courage to delve more and more into yourself and to bring that self, flaws and all - emotionally, physically, lovingly and sexually to your partner.

That might sound like a tall order, well out of your reach but in fact we do it step by step on a daily basis whenever we are honest with each other, whenever we share our feelings in a kind, responsible way. Not “How dare you…” but “When you….then I felt so hurt. Can we talk about how in future we could handle that differently?”

One of the biggest obstacles to change for an accommodator is that those around them will not be used to them being assertive and may well not welcome this new behaviour. To have “Yes dear” replaced by “Actually I’d prefer you to do that yourself now as I’ve started to resent doing this every day” can be a bit shocking, not to mention disruptive of the routine.

Powerful negative reactions can leave a recovering accommodator seriously doubting that their new behaviour could possibly be in their relationship’s best interests, never mind their own.

Whenever anyone wants to change any aspect of their behaviour it is best to let their partner know. I recommend an honest conversation led by the accommodator, acknowledging that they have chosen to behave in this way for the past years but can now see that this has created some problems so they have decided to change. No blaming, no resentment and a focus on your own behaviour not the partner’s.

Altering the dance of intimacy inevitably involves some faltering steps and the occasional treading on toes. But what a delight when that brick wall that had been prohibiting intimacy can begin to crumble. Two real people can meet each other with respect, kindness, love and a new spark. Toxic undertones become a thing of the past.

There’s no shame in identifying with any of the behaviour described here. No-one formally teaches us how to have a healthy relationship; most often we behave as we’ve seen our parent’s act.

It often takes professional help to be able to learn new behaviours. What is important is that if any of this pushes a button for you, act now. A common piece of feedback sex therapists hear is “I do wish we’d sorted this out years ago.”

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Robyn Salisbury is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network. Those seeking professional help with any sexual matter should contact 0800 sex therapy (0800 739843) www.sextherapy.co.nz

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