Kids, Sex and the Locked Bedroom Door

By Robyn Salisbury

Standards of public decency have always regulated the freedom of expression, and as a result, love making has generally been confined to the home. However, those who have children around may have a different spin on the word ‘privacy’ and most likely have developed a very keen appreciation for it.

It might be the presence of child who somehow makes it into your bed during the night, or the jealous one who interrupts the time you’ve planned together, or the teenager who is clearly “grossed out” when they think you are “doing it” - whatever the source, time for each other is now at a premium.

It’s important to deliver the message to your children that you have a right to privacy. Some families do this really well: “Our kids know that our bedroom is off limits. It’s our private space and they respect that, and when the door is shut they always knock.”

Another family says: “we just say we are having some alone time. They know EXACTLY what we mean (they like to giggle when we say that) and have learned to knock before they burst in.”

In Sexy Mamas, Winks and Semans suggest that putting a lock on the door gives you a perfect opportunity to explain the concept of privacy to your children. It’s an important family value that they are likely to embrace with enthusiasm as they grow older and want their own privacy.

There are some who find it difficult to embrace the idea of the barrier that this makes for their children. However, it is most unlikely that it will do irreparable damage to your children, and certainly not as much as the parents fear! Could this be an indication of a wider difficulty with setting appropriate boundaries?

The authors suggest that this simple, inexpensive solution holds the key - literally – to your peace of mind. The fear that our kids will barge in on us in the middle of sex and the preoccupation with this is bound to interfere with your intimacy in general.

If you want to continue enjoying sex, and your nosey children are always in the way, remember that privacy needs creativity and spontaneity. There are numerous ways that you can screen your children from your intimacy – curtains, using alternatives to the bedroom, and enforcing the children’s bed times have all been found useful.

Advocates of sharing a family bed maintain that this practice strengthens the bond between parent and child. Many parents choose to do this, others fall into the practice during infancy or breastfeeding. For some, this is the only way to get a decent sleep, but it comes at a price and sharing your most intimate space with your child can sometimes result in a sense of neglect, resentment and ultimately no sex, unless you make a conscious effort to create other opportunities.

Eventually you will want to evict your child, and the sooner you teach your child that sleeping alone is safe and ‘grown-up’, the better.

The most sensitive issue is the appropriateness of parents having sex in the bed with baby present. Cultural values vary here, and we know that when space and privacy are not an option, kids of all ages sleep in the same room as parents (who presumably continue to have sex). Most parents will move to another room to have sex once their child passes infancy – in the end it’s about determining your own comfort zones.

And if they catch you in the act? Don’t freak out – be honest with your children and send the message that sex is healthy, private, natural and nothing to be ashamed of. If they understand healthy intimacy in your home they will be more able to work through all the hang-ups our society has about being sexual.

And if you haven’t the energy to even consider it? It’s not surprising that over-extended parents find themselves preferring sleep or a quiet meal to sexual connection.

One mum’s experience challenges this view: “I find that the thought of sex makes me even more tired. However, having sex can boost my energy level for weeks, so as weird as it sounds.... I try to make sure that I have sex at somewhat regular intervals.”

We can also boost energy with exercise, as the endorphins released lift both mood and libido, and we know that eating well-balanced meals is vital for igniting energy. While getting your body back into shape after childbirth can be challenging, dieting will interfere with your baby’s nutrition if you are breastfeeding, so keeping a balance is everything.

Sleep, often the most elusive part of our lives, is an absolute priority, as is getting out of the house, and finding the part of you that often gets lost, while being a mum. This is a special challenge to the aspiring Supermums, who tend to compensate by protecting the children’s quality of life at the expense of their own.

It’s important to remember that this idealised role requires a lot of sacrifices, amongst them the sex life you both deserve, as well as quality time with your partner and with the children.

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Robyn Salisbury is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network. Those seeking professional help with any sexual matter should contact the referral manager Kerryn Findlater on 0800SEXTHERAPY (0800 739 843) or www.sextherapy.co.nz

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